Effin' Labor Day! Part Two

Continuing with my Labor Day rant...If you missed part one, go back and read it! We just loaded the car at Michael's and are heading to Target...

Target. I love Target. I wish there was one closer to my house. I don't go there much, but I've been carrying around a gift card for months and have coupons for diapers and wipes and stretch mark lotion. It is the must-stop of the day.

I also decide that it's the first time Holden will ride in the cart without his car seat so he'll be happy while I take in everything the bullseye has to offer. I even bring beach towels to surround him, just as I did when Fletcher first enjoyed this freedom. After parking lot pictures of this milestone, we're off! First stop: the bathroom. You've heard plenty of stories about this, I'm sure. Our trip to the potty is surprisingly uneventful.

Not long after I take a look through the dollar section at the front of the store and I'm making it down my short list, Holden complains about his seating. Adjustment after adjustment is made as we make our way through the aisles. Just as I get sidetracked, he reminds me that I need to hurry. Why did I make the diapers and wipes the last stop? I need more size 3 diapers! Hang in there with me, Little Guy. No room for them in the cart. Fletcher will have to walk. Awesome. Stay with me. Let's go. Stay by me. Holden's losing it. Be my big helper and carry this pack of new undies. Here we go. Come on! We beeline it to checkout.

One active register remaining open. Honestly? We are snaked out into the main aisle. Another lane opens. I stay where I am thinking it's a better bet. Holden is going ballistic. I can't take him out because then I won't be able to unload the cart. Gotta be that mom. We have a crier over here! You would think that would alert more staff to keep their closing registers open just a few more minutes. Nope. My eyes well up as the almost-ready-to-pop pregnant woman in front of me steps aside and kindly says, "You go ahead. I know what's it like to have a crying baby." I can barely thank her without losing it, but I manage. Tears never actually fall.

From behind, I hear another mother explain to her daughter that "Babies get cranky, mad, or sad when they are tired and he must be tired. Or he could be hungry. Or he just needs something to suck on. Or he needs to be held." Really? You know what? Why don't you shut the eff up? I'm about to cry because I'm tired, don't feel well, can't catch a break right now, and this nice pregnant woman is letting me step ahead even though her water's about to break all over the floor. Take your perfectly well-mannered child and move along if you don't like it.

I put the milk, eggs, rest of the groceries, diapers, wipes, undies, etc. onto the conveyor belt and nicely lay out all of my coupons. We go through the process, which I always try to be well-prepared for in consideration of those behind me. What? My Mederma coupons aren't registering? Well, they better. Each tube of this miracle cream is $40 without them and it's a rip off to begin with, but I'm bound and determined to try what I can to erase the love marks left by these two fabulous boys...one of whom is now swiping things off the racks to his left and right and adding them to the stack of things on the conveyor belt.

As quick as I can, I'm returning items, only to have him grab two containers of who-knows-what and throw himself on the floor in utter defiance. And, you know what? Stores ask for this! This is precisely why they stock items in this location. For children to test parents during every checkout minute they can. Sorry, Target...you're not getting another 79 cents out of me. Ha! I pry the candy from his hands as he rolls and kicks and screams to get his point across. Yep! That Mom...she's still here! The one with the kid that can't behave and the baby that won't give up! Right here at register 5! Take out your iPhones and post it to your status updates and judge me. You know what? Eff you too! Effin' deal with it. Can't you see that's what I'm trying to do?

Finally! All of my coupons have gone through, I've gone through 10 screens on the checkout keypad and we're heading through the lanes to the exit. Hmmm...Fletcher has to show me something...Wow! Two bright orange tic tacs from the ground where you were just having a fit. Great! Let's find a trash can. By the time we hit the trash can just outside the doors, Holden's silent. Thanks, Buddy. Thanks. I really do appreciate that timing.

I load up the car, give Fletcher his milk, take Holden in the front to nurse, which now he wants nothing to do with. Or he does rather, but he also wants to stop and look around every 15 seconds. LET'S. GO. Meanwhile, Fletcher's talking to me about sticks he sees somewhere, getting more and more animated. I'm trying to indulge in his conversation while I guide Holden to focus as I'm constantly scanning my surroundings to cover up just a bit as my youngest son continues bobbing for my nipple. Okay, done. We're not playing this game.

He's back in the car seat. I'm ready to hit the road again. Sorry the ride in the cart was not fun. Next stop you'll just stay in the car seat. Bed, Bath, and Beyond...here we come! It's been way too long!

Fletcher's getting upset about his sticks and starts flailing himself around. I get mad at him for not using his words. Once he finally does calm down, I figure out he's not talking about sticks. He's asking for snacks because way back in the Target line, I told him to stop biting into the granola bar box and I'd give him one when we got to the car. Oops. I completely forgot. At the next stop, Honey...I promise.

I pull into a parking space and get out to get him a snack. As I open the back, I hear some Target bags starting to fall out, so I slowly open the door with flashbacks from June of 12 bottles of beer crashing to the ground around me at a gas station while visiting Kat and Graham at the beach. I bend over as I lift the door and as I'm saving the value pack of baby wipes, the gallon of milk falls with a thud to the ground and deflates. I'm instantly standing in a white river. ^&$ #%@$! **&$%# &^$%@!

After yet another great example of how to handle small interferences in life, I proceed to dig out a granola bar from a box inside one of the bags and hold true on my promise to Fletcher. As I'm doing so, a man walks behind me, across the lot and says, "I guess that milk was no good, huh?" I reply, "That about sums up my day right there," oh yea...and "eff off."(Of course I wasn't telling all of these people to Eff off, but it adds to the story, right?) I mean, Hello? You just heard me yell, "^&$ #%@$! **&$%# &^$%@!" when you were talking to your friend about 15 feet away. Do you think I really poured this milk out because it was no good?

After picking up the broken jug and the bag full of it's own little milk puddle, I wipe my hands with a baby wipe (Good thing I saved them!) and haul the kids to a cart and head into Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It is always very hard for me to go into this store and only purchase one item, but I've been wanting a new scale for a long time and since Fletcher broke out the plastic part with the little red indicator line of our cheap dial scale months ago, I've been meaning to replace it with an upgraded digital one. I just haven't wanted to make this trip and unload/load the kids for just one item. But today I am making a day of shopping!

Little do I know that if I want a digital scale, I would have so many to choose from. Do I want to track my weight, know my BMI, check my hydration levels, calculate my bone mass or density or whatever? WHAT!?!? I want a digital scale so I can simply see how much I weigh and weigh my kids. And I need it now, after all these months because I need to get my butt back into shape after all these years and the purchase of this scale is going to get that ball rolling, damn it. So, I pick one of the 19 different models they have on display, secretly hoping I grabbed the kind that comes with my very own personal trainer, and hit the register with my 20% off coupon that I actually remembered to grab this time out of the house.

Other than the cart rolling every which way, no matter how I tried to block it or prop it to unload the kids...oh and the douche that parked his Super Duty Badass Ford F250 as close as he possibly could to my car, I manage to get the kids in and climb in myself, unscathed. (Unlike the other day at Chick-Fil-A when some chick managed to block me from being able to fit the car seat in on Holden's side of the car and I had to go to the other side, lift the infant seat over Fletcher's car seat, leave it in the middle and then go back around to try and lift it up into the base, just in time for her to come and wait impatiently for me to finish so she could hop in her own car and drive away...) This is why I'm glad Holden's car seat went into the other side of the car today.

Now what? Should I call it a day after the lotion, water dish, Target meltdowns, mother meltdowns, and white waterfall and river? Nope...we have to deliver two birthday gifts to our twin friends. Off we go. No big story here. They aren't home, so I leave them on their back patio, hopefully safe from the rain, but it would be my luck today that either their giant dog eats it all to shreds before they return, or the rain ruins them in some freakish way. I do manage to see parts of this neighborhood I haven't seen as of yet, because I make one wrong turn that then takes me on a construction detour that I don't have to follow because it leads me in the wrong direction entirely, so I guess you could say I see the new territory twice, as I find my way back out.

On the road again, hitting all the major stops for the day, I check the clock. 11:45. Gosh! All that only took two hours? It seems like it was much longer! I'm hungry now!

Alright...Chick-Fil-A drive thru (just to say eff you to everyone that boycotts CFA because of the CEO's opinion on certain things...afterall, this is the sort of mood I am in.) Waiting at a light, Fletcher asks to go eat at a restaurant. Hmmm....should we try this again?

Last week, after church, I suggested to him that we go eat at a restaurant. We tried seven different places in town and none of them were open for service. So we drove back to our side of town and I humored him with a stop at Smithfield's Chicken and BBQ. It's sort of a restaurant and would work. I unloaded both kids, went in and ordered, we sat down to eat, I gave Fletcher his helping and he refused to try anything and rather wanted to dump salt and pepper all over the place. So, I packed up everything and we left as quickly as we arrived. I wasn't in the mood to play that game.

The question now is: Am I in the mood to play that game today? I look at the clock and know we're both hungry. Holden has fallen asleep for his nap. I'm in the middle of several options and right next to a kid-friendly joint...Do I gamble?

To be continued...