Effin' Labor Day! Part Three

If you haven't read parts one and two of this holiday drama, please go back and read those.

I take the gamble and decide that we will go to Red Robin for lunch. It's kid friendly, I feel like a burger, and it's right there. I could cut across the lanes of traffic and just make a right turn since nobody's coming behind me, but I'm already sitting in this left turn lane. So, I wait. And wait. I wind up going all the way around my hand to get to my thumb and after 15 minutes of seeing the restaurant sitting right there, we are finally in the parking lot and on our way inside.

Holden is asleep. I don't care where they sit us. I just want to make this as painless as possible and make it through our meal before he wakes up. We make a quick trip to the bathroom and just as we sit down at the table, Holden's eyes pop wide open. There he is. Staring at us across the table. I give Fletcher his two choices, when the waitress comes, I put in the order so it can make its way here and into our tummies before Holden sounds off. It's a ticking scream fest over there and it's the cutest one ever, but I really, really, really want to enjoy my lunch after getting here!

I occupy Fletcher with colors and conversation. We play peek-a-boo with Holden. This isn't so bad. He's enjoying the view from over there. I'm geared up for a long wait, but our food comes rather quickly, which is great. She sets it down in front of us, I get Fletcher's all cut up and ready. I cut my burger in half and just as I take the first bite, Holden starts to cry. Aw, man! Come on. I will eat super fast and suck down this Diet Coke like nobody's business if you can just wait a couple minutes.

I'm generally not a fast eater, but I'm trying to inhale this burger and get Fletcher to eat while I scan the area for our waitress. I understand that it's lunch hour and being a former waitress, I am always pretty understanding in the ways of restaurant work. She takes an order next to us, but heads the opposite direction. She comes back without passing us and delivers drinks to another table and stops to get their order. I continue to eat and slurp down 186 ounces of Diet Coke and water while I pull out my debit card so I'm ready to pay when she is. These customers are taking forever! When she's done with them, she turns around to start that drawn out process all over with the next table. Then she walks away in the opposite direction again.

Holden's crying. And yelling at me. Fletcher's done eating...his one bite. I'm just waiting patiently, because again...there's nothing I can do. I'm not going to take Holden out of his car seat just to put him back in it in five minutes...or 25 minutes with the way things are going. I just sip and take a bite of my fries. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Now, Red Robin is a loud restaurant, which is one of the reasons I chose it, but I still manage to fend off glances and eye rolls and the ever so obvious, I'm just going to turn around to see what that noise is even though I'm pretty sure I can tell it's a baby crying behind me gesture from the woman in the next booth. Hey...while you're looking over here, do you see this debit card I'm holding in my hand? Do you notice me looking for the waitress who has now disappeared behind the food window? I'm trying to get out of here as much as you'd like us to leave. So, eff off...you know a crying baby when you hear one and I'm pretty sure your friend informed you of the cries about 10 minutes ago, so you don't need to turn around to take a look for yourself. And, by the way...his cries aren't really making it any louder in here...this is a KID-FRIENDLY restaurant!!! So be friendly, damn it!

Finally, our waitress comes by our table on her way to deliver drinks to a third table. I ask for the check and a box. When she returns with the check, I swiftly hand her the card. She brings the final bill back with the box and this Mama is on the move.

Before you know it we are in the car and ready to head home. Holden is crying as I ask Fletcher if he liked eating at the restaurant. Without hesitation he answers, "No." Awesome. Great. Fan-effin-tastic. So glad I took you there. For you to eat one bite of your burger and then tell me you didn't even like the adventure in the end. Oh well, such is life with a two-year-old. My new mission: Get home for his nap and a sanity break for me!

Red light. Green, go, and red light. Green, go, and red light...four within a mile or so. Add four more over the next three miles as I wind my way out of town. I CANNOT stand how lights are not timed at all in this makeshift city. Add four more red lights as I get further away from Skibo Road. I lose track after twelve. I am so frustrated though! I mean, why have me go to just make me stop?

On top of this, Fletcher is already starting to nod off. I don't know why. It's not like we're in the car for 20 minutes going nowhere because of the lights. Wake up! Hey! Buddy, do you see the _____? What color is the ____? Hey...what was your favorite part of the day? Fletcher? Open your eyes! Hey, stay awake! You can't fall asleep right now! This continues for our thirty minute drive home. But we finally make it and I manage to keep him awake.

Inside we go. Take care of Holden. Take care of Fletcher. Time for stories. I read to one while I nurse the other. Time for naps. Holden goes down without a problem because he barely slept. Fletcher goes into his room. However, he does not effin' fall sleep. Are you kidding me? You were practically falling asleep all the way home and now you won't nap. I don't understand how this child will fall asleep on this 30 minute drive from town, but won't sleep for 3 hours in the car when I time a road trip to his typical nap time. And now for the second day in a row, he is not napping in his room. And today, he obviously needs one!

Nope. Obviously he does not. So after an hour of "quiet time," he's up. Shortly after that his brother is too. We play. We sing. We throw fits and talk back and won't listen to grown-ups. We hit. We push. We go to time out over and over again. I'm at my wit's end with the day. We need to get out of here again. Time for a walk.

Ahhh...the fresh air! Nevermind the heat...why is it still so hot? Nevermind the intstant drops of sweat forming on my brow, under my arms, in my cleavage, and every other spot they can form. We need to be outside, even with this unforgiving humidity. And this trip really does turn things around.

We end up stopping at our friend's house down the road. Fletcher wants to say hi to Brent and Doni. I'm sad to say they are moving in a couple weeks, so we stop in for a visit. As we're chit-chatting about this and about that, and we're redirecting our boys as they learn how to play with each other, one of life's greatest moments happens!

HOLDEN CRAWLS! He crawls for his first couple scoots, or steps, or whatever you call it when it all lines up correctly and he does it a couple times! Oh!!! So exciting! Yay!!!

And, from that point on, the day is pretty good. I mean, there's only two hours left in it by the time we get home. Aside from the defiance and refusal to pick up toys or get here or there for this or that from Mr. Independent, I make it through. I mean, what can really happen in just two hours? (HA!)

In the end, my children still loved me by the end of the day. Nobody was hurt, there weren't any roadside situations or car accidents, there wasn't any poop involved with any of the trying times, and that's always a good thing. Yes, there were tears, but if you know me...there always seems to be tears. I can't even describe the day to Jesse via e-mail and can't vent to anyone around here so I turn to the blog. I know I'll cry myself to sleep tonight just because I let myself down today. Or because I'm even more exhausted than yesterday. Or because I just need to cry. But for now...I'm sipping this glass of wine and realizing that my days aren't so bad. At least I don't need family therapy like these Kardashians I'm keeping up with. Geez...reality shows...they can really bring you back to life.

And even through days like this, I'm grateful for my effin' life! I know I'm not the only one, with or without kids, that have a rough day now and then. It's just sometimes you need to say eff it and move on! So, eff it! Tomorrow is another day!