My Body's Back, Baby!

I don't really know how to begin this post. So, I'll start at the beginning...with Holden.

Holden did a great job of nursing from the beginning. He seemed to eat less than Fletcher. That was fine with me. He seemed to need me less than Fletcher. That was fine too. I mean, come on...that meant he slept more (at the very beginning). I started pumping right away with Holden, just as I did with Fletcher. I had every intent to feed Holden breastmilk as long as I could.

But...

He ate less often, meaning I pumped less often. And...I didn't pump every time he ate. I would skip a pumping session here or there, especially at night, when I just wanted, needed to go back to sleep. Sometimes I'd skip during the day, because I'd be lucky enough to feed Holden before I'd have to do something for Fletcher and the next thing I'd know...the window of opportunity to pump had disappeared and it was now time to feed Holden again. So, fewer expressed milk bags went into the deep freezer.

Don't get me wrong...Holden ate and nursed well. And, I had a stock of milk in the deep freezer again and still have several bags left. But, he's only 8 months old. Well, now just 11 days shy of 9 months old. I weaned and ran out of expressed milk at ten and half months with Fletcher. This time around, things just aren't the same. I will likely run out of expressed milk in the next week or so, making it to the nine month mark.

First of all, Holden wouldn't eat baby food when I introduced it. Sure, an ounce here or there, but not a significant meal and not regularly. Nothing has been consistent with this child. Including sleep. This was the motivating factor for me. Sleep. I started to wonder if Holden was just waking up because he was still hungry, because he wasn't having anything other than breastmilk. So...when the food wasn't being eaten, I resorted to giving him some formula at night, thinking it would keep him full longer through the night.

This was not the case. He still will not sleep consistently through the night. We've had a string of nights here or there, but nothing I would call routine. The formula didn't make a difference, but once I started, I just kept giving him some along with breastmilk, and slowly weaned my way off of nursing him.

The morning of October 30th was the last time I had this bond with my baby boy and most likely the last time I'll ever have it, as we don't intend (at this time) to have any more children. Unless you have breastfed your baby, you don't really know about the bond to which I am referring. It is such a difficult thing to explain. And, this act changes over the course of time. A newborn is different from a three month old who is different from an eight month old and so on and so forth. The adoration and communication that comes across from the baby's eyes or the sweet caresses that can be given by the mother are just the start. It's crazy how my whole view on breastfeeding changed even from pregnancy to parenting.

It's also crazy how in tune a mother's body can be with that of her child. TMI, but I could tell when Holden needed to eat even when he was in a different room or my body would respond when he'd be crying for me. This time around, my body has taken a longer time breaking that connection than it did with Fletcher. It almost has a mind of it's own and doesn't want to stop providing for Holden. It's the oddest thing.

Anyway, the final time of nursing with Holden held a few tears, but I wasn't sobbing the way I was when I stopped with Fletcher. With Holden, I almost felt like I was making a motherly decision on his behalf. He needed me to stop so he would eat and find nurishment elsewhere. He needed me to stop so he could sleep more soundly. I needed him to stop so I could sleep solidly. Even though all of these things have not truly happened yet...at the time, I felt like it was a parental decision more than anything. I was sad. Very, very sad, but I also knew that I had done what I could and was doing what I thought was best.

Even though he was getting formula, he was still going to get breastmilk. Even though I was sad, I was still satisfied with my decision. For a few days to a full week I wasn't sure if I'd go back to nursing him again or not. I knew that it wouldn't be a wise choice to flip flop back and forth. I just wasn't sure how things would go. But, I stuck with my choice and refused to give in and nurse him in the night or when I ran out of formula and would have to go out into the kitchen and make a new bottle. (With Jesse not here, I couldn't have him go in at night and I couldn't ask him to make a second bottle if I saw the need for one coming.)

Holden learned quickly that I wasn't a source of nurishment anymore, but I could still be a source of comfort. So...he still needs me...even in the night...and I'm still not sleeping....nor is he, but in hopes of curing that, I stopped nursing. Oh well...at least my body's back...to being solely mine, that is. Over the course of three years and four months, I have had just over 3 months where I haven't been growing or feeding a baby. Now it doesn't look like I'll be doing either ever again. A part of me is sad and another part of me is not. I cherished the precious moments of pregnancy and nursing when they happened and will try to think of only them when I look back at those times. (However...making note of the not-so-fun or comfortable moments is what will stop me from creating more babies...so they are there too. Also, the sleep deprivation is something I can completely live without. All work and no sleep makes Mommy a grumpy, impatient, emotional wreck.)

Thank you Holden and Fletcher for growing and nursing so well. For that, I know I am blessed, but babies...I'm glad I have my body back. Now I just need to work on it a bit more. Love, Mommy