Opinions Change

With many things in life, we all have an opinion. It's hard not to and almost an instinctual behavior whether the opinion is voiced or a tongue is bitten. Regardless, the world abounds with opinions on just about everything.

Before pregnancy and motherhood, I had opinions and a lot of them have changed. On the same token, a lot of them have been supported and strengthened.

During pregnancy, women hear opinions from everyone and I mean every type of person from every type of background or situation you can imagine with every personal scenario you thought you'd never hear. You learn quickly how to filter the opinions, advice, and knowledge, but it never ceases! If you take it upon yourself, you are also reading different material in preparation for the unknowns ahead, trying to educate yourself about life...a tiny life that you will be held responsible for forever. There is no manual. There is no certification course to qualify you. Anyone can be a parent and with parenting you face many decisions, many of which happen before the baby is even born.

One decision to be made is whether to nurse or not to nurse. This, in my opinion, is a very personal choice. Each mother is different. Each delivery is different. Each child is different. Each and every situation is unlike any other. I decided nursing was what I would do. I told myself that I would nurse for the first year. Then I thought of teeth around my nipple and decided that I would stop when teeth made their appearance. Then, once I started nursing, I thought I could only possibly make it through the first six months. It was time consuming, it didn't lend itself to multi-tasking, it hurt a lot, and it was tiring. Obviously, over time my opinion of how long I would nurse my firstborn changed. Things change, inlcuding opinions about what is best for your baby and what is best for you.

I felt very blessed when Fletcher latched on without a problem immediately after his birth. It was one of my most important prayers at the time. I wanted that sign that he would want to do it as much as I had intended to. In addition, I was blessed to be able to produce large quantities of milk without much effort. I followed what the lactation consultant had shared in our breastfeeding class and it worked. It worked for me. It worked for Fletcher. That doesn't necessarily mean that what she shared would work for any mother or any newborn. Again, each and every mother and each and every child is different.

At first, Fletcher would nurse one side for anywhere between 40 and 70 minutes and then I would pump the other side for about 20-25 mintues and store that milk for return to work time, date time, and months down the road. Three hours (and sometimes sooner) we would start the cycle again, switching the order of sides. After weeks of timing it, we fell into the routine a bit more with me letting him lead the way most of the time. Over the months, the amount he drank and the nursing time gradually decreased, but don't be worried: He has never lost any weight and has always been a very healthy boy! (I knew you might be concerned...hahaha...)

What I found most interesting was the change in his behaviors over the last ten-and-a-half months before,  after, and especially during nursing. I am working on a poem to describe all the sounds and motions associated with this comforting and nourishing time of his day. If you have ever nursed a newborn, 6 month old, 10 month old, etc. you know what I am referring to. If you've ever nursed the same child at all of those times, then you know the changes in their opinions about nursing as well! Not only was I deciding something along the way, I think Fletcher was too.

Sometimes, in my opinion, we need to take a step back from our decisions and let nature take it's course. This combo approach is what I feel happened with us. No matter what my opinion or decision was, something natural seemed to happen in the nursing aspect of my life. If I hadn't gone on a trip for five weeks in the fall, I would have probably started weaning earlier to be honest. But before I knew it...his 7th and 8th month were over. His 9th month included a trip as well as a first tooth. I had weaned off some of the feedings during the day, but continued the final night feeding and the first morning feeding the longest.

A week before Fletcher's 10 Month birthday, I found myself lying in bed sobbing uncontrollably. I had no idea that I would cry so hard the first night I did not nurse him before bed. After all, there had been plenty of sitters that had been here during the bedtime routine and I never cried then. Something was different this time...I was home! I was just a room away while Jesse was feeding him and putting him down for the night. I was in bed, thinking of his after-bath scent, his body attached to mine, my hand caressing his head, sides, legs, and toes, his eyes looking up into mine as we pray before they grow heavy, rest taking over. Oftentimes, I would end the nursing and put him up on my shoulder before he would cash out for good. Or many times, he would still be awake and then go in the crib before actually falling asleep. But in my thoughts...he was in Heaven in my arms before succumbing to the sleep. So...I cried, and cried, and cried.

During such a moment of sadness for me, I was in the midst of a moment of love. Jesse comforted me and told me he loved me and that we could do whatever I thought we should do. Even though he couldn't understand what I was going through, he understood that as he supported me with the challenges to get started with nursing, he needed to support me during the challenges of weaning. He will never, ever know how important this moment was for his wife and I'm eternally thankful.

Unfortunately, Fletcher did not sleep that well. Jesse took care of him that night so he wouldn't have my body tempting him. (He wasn't nursing during the night anyway...but we didn't want to risk him wanting to at that point.) The next night, we debated about going back to the previous routine, but decided to stick with it. I just couldn't go through the emotions again and I didn't want to confuse him. We haven't gone back and it worked well for...you guessed it...us!

With the possibility of a long road trip on the horizon, the large supply of breastmilk running low in the deep freezer, and a timing that just felt right...I decided it was time to stop the first nursing of the morning. I was almost more scared of this because of the emotions I had felt that night a few weeks ago. But yesterday morning, I nursed Fletcher for the last time, with tears streaming down my face. Even though I know he didn't really care, I explained to him how this morning would be different. I just felt like I needed to give him some closure. He led the nursing just like any other morning and when he was done, I almost wanted to pick him back up and hold on to him just a little bit longer...

But I knew it was best for both of us to let it go. And with a heavy heart and sigh...I did. With a smile and a full tummy...he did. I think I cried about 5 times yesterday and 4 times today as I've thought about it, but I know it's best for us and I know my hormones are shifting yet again.

One thing I've learned through nursing is that everyone, and I mean everyone seems to have an opinion about nursing. Many people are very, very, VERY supportive. Many people despise the thought of it. Many people half-support it, expecting you to always do it in a room away from everyone else, missing out on the life outside of nursing, or feel that it's okay to do, but they shouldn't have to see it. Some feel you should always be covered up...like you are a flasher instead of a mother trying to feed her baby...Some couldn't care less about the exposure and think that if someone has a problem with it, it's just that...their problem, not the nursing mother's. I would like to take a minute to thank those of you that support nursing mothers, don't have a problem with them doing so at a dinner table, on the couch, or on a plane, in a train, or in a car. I would also like to thank those of you...especially men...that have been around me while I have nursed or pumped and haven't given it a second thought. In my opinion, that is very respectful and mature.

It's interesting...I had my own opinions on breastfeeding before I was actually doing it. Mine have changed. I don't think it should be mandatory. I don't think it works for every child, as I know several healthy babies that had difficulty nursing. I don't think having a breast exposed for nursing is the same as indecent exposure. I think that if someone stares at you while nursing, they are the one with the problem. I think it's absolutely vital and reassuring to have supportive people around you when you nurse in private or public. I think it is very beneficial for a young child. I think it has many, many benefits for the mother. I think it is much, much, MUCH more of a commitment than I ever imagined. I think it is much harder on the mother to quit than it is on the child. I think it's great that I didn't stop at 3 or 6 months. I think it's great that I didn't stop when a tooth first appeared. I think it's great that I did stop at a time that felt right, even if it is short of one year.

I will miss that comforting connection in several ways. It's not something that you can capture for anyone but yourself, but I am glad that with my experience I take my own opinions with me and realize that after (if I'm so lucky) my second child comes into this world, my opinions may change once again.